Like many app-loving souls on planet earth, I decided to download the phenomenon that is Tinder. At first it was fun - online dating without instant rejection? Scores of men I could perve on with an easy flick of the finger? Awesome! Sign me up! But as I spent more time on this popular app, I realised the fun was turning into an endless parade of bathroom selfies, lame About Me’s and conversation akin to a slow dribble down someone’s chin. Yep, Tinder was just another dating site and like all dating sites, was filled with beach-loving, gym-obsessed and "Ask me more!" boys who can't tell "their" from "they're." Perhaps I'm just a fussy judgmental princess, but the average bloke appears incapable of promoting himself, even on a minimal level. Instead of coaxing me in with a spark of personality, the boys I come across are like carbon copies of each other. To be fair, the girls could be exactly the same so I’ll direct this post towards both genders.
Tinder users, here’s a list of what to do and what NOT to do on this app (I might have thrown in some snarky comments along the way. Sorry about that).
1. Word of advice? Use spell-check.
There is nothing more attractive than someone who can spell; likewise, there’s nothing LESS attractive than someone who mixes up their contractions and adjectives. Also – don’t ever rely on autocorrect. That bitch is unpredictable.
2. Your pectoral muscles do little for your personality.
I’m sorry, but five photos showing different angles of your biceps in a gym mirror does not make me want to run into them. No, it makes me want to drop a dumbbell on your head. ONE shot might be okay, but do not make your body the defining feature of your online character. If you do, you will only succeed in sending viewers to sleep.
3. Dick pics are NEVER a turn on.
I’ve got news for you: porn is a LIE. We do not want to come across your shrivelled-and-semi-erect cock while merrily browsing through Tinder. It is not attractive. You will not get our knickers in a twist. The only thing posting a dick pic will do is guarantee a swipe left… and a loud “UGH!” coming from our mouths.
4. Emoticons are not an acceptable form of communication.
When did this become okay?! Internet, you have some major explaining to do. Ain’t nothing wrong with a smiley face here and there, but detailing your favourite pastimes with mini pictures is just silly. Use your words people.
5. If I've seen one tiger selfie, I've seen a million of them.
What is it with the tiger thing?! Yep, we get that you’re an animal lover. Big woop de doo. Guess what? Half the planet loves animals, and nearly everyone has seen a tiger. Post a picture with a moose or a flamingo and that’ll nab my interest. Shake it up a bit and you’ll find more people will respond.
6. No I won't swipe right to know more, you lazy fuck.
This tagline is one of my absolute pet PEEVES. It makes you seem pathetic, dull, unimaginative and annoying. And no, it does not – in any way, shape or form – make me want to swipe right to know more about you.
7. Whoever decided a quote was a good tag line idea should be shot.
Anchorman quotes in particular. It’s a universal fact this movie is fantastic and everybody adores it. Does that mean you should quote it in your About Me section? Like every other Tom, Dick and Harry? No. If you’re going to quote something, make it original. There’s only so many times you can read “Don’t act like you’re not impressed” without wanting to scoop your brain out with a spoon.
8. "Gym" basically means "has no life."
Okay I guess I’m repeating myself here, but people seem to have this notion that adding “gym” to your interests section makes you cool. It doesn’t. I’m glad you’re healthy and treat your body well, but do I really care you spend five afternoons a week with a red face, grunting and sweating like a pig? Nope. Stop telling everyone about it.
9. Irish, English, French - that's nice. Glad you know where you're from.
I’ll admit, the idea of an accent on a good-looking guy is definitely a turn-on. But is your nationality all there is to you? Should I stereotype you right now? Because that’s what you’re encouraging viewers to do. Mentioning your birthplace is all well and good, but do so in a way that says “I am MORE than my accent.”
10. Memes should never replace actual photos.
Memes are to be saved for an actual conversation, and even then, should be used sparingly. I like memes as much as the next person, but do they belong on your profile? I don’t think so. Save those spots for photos of YOU, not of grumpy cat.
11. Bike shorts do nothing but disturb the female psyche.
I think this one speaks for itself. I don’t care if your legs are slender and roped with muscle – nobody wants to see your junk accentuated by lycra. Same goes with budgie smugglers. Put it away.
12. You love travelling? Great, join the entire world's populace.
Maybe I’m being a tad overzealous about this, but I haven’t met a single soul who doesn’t like travelling. Unless you’re pointing THAT out, how does this make you different to any other person on Tinder? Granted, if you said you didn’t like travelling I’d be concerned (Hawaii. Go there. It’ll change your view of humanity. I promise).
13. All group photos? Yeah no, I'm not dating your entire friendship circle.
What is this, Where’s Wally? Except we don’t know what Wally looks like? Honey, that’s not a fun game. If you’re on Tinder we want to meet YOU, not the drunken bozos in all of your photos. If you don’t post at least one shot of yourself, then all you’re going to get is a Big Fat Swipe Left.
14. "Down to earth" should be removed from acceptable descriptions permanently.
I don’t even give the bloke a chance if he describes himself as “down to earth.” 1) I’m glad gravity is keeping you grounded. 2) Do you know how douchey you sound? Try for something less generic.
15. Bathroom selfies should be banned. Forever.
I saved this point for last because I feel it’s a category in its own right. You are not in school anymore; there is no viable reason to be taking selfies in front of the toilet/urinal and/or shower/sink. Bathroom selfies make me think of smelly poos and desperate loners, and do you really want to be associated with either of those things on a dating site? Didn’t think so. Take a selfie in the garden instead, with some fresh flowers behind you.
One final comment – if you read this post and find yourself relating to any of my pointers, you might want to consider updating your profile (just a thought).
Do you have any hilarious Tinder stories, or have any other pointers to add? Let me know in the comments! :)