We must part ways. [June 24, 2009]

There are times in your life when you are scared to follow the unknown. It seems to you that the unknown is a bit like staring down the barrel of a gun - dark, sinister, and terrifying; if not a little cold. And what's worse is that you can't see through to the other side - you can't see whether you'll be okay once you make the decision to take a different path; leaving behind the places and the people you know for something foreign.
I have come to realise that there's someone I've been holding onto for a very long time. Someone I kept hoping would change their direction to come back my way. But finally I know that I can be okay if I leave them be. It still scares me because I have no idea how they will be without me - but then again, it has been ages since they have depended on me anyway, so I'm pretty sure I'm not needed in their life.
But that's okay. Every friendship must run its course. Some will outlast others until the end of time, but others draw to a close much sooner than we think and often that is really what we don't want.
But even so, who am I to force what i want on someone else? I cannot imagine something more selfish, and when I look at everything, the whole situation, who I am and who they are, I KNOW that that is not what I want to do or who I want to be. I want the memory of me to be one of a good friend - someone who was there in good times and bad - someone who loved unconditionally (at least most of the time) - someone who took nothing for granted.
I am not looking for remorse or a pity friendship. My heart is huge and it will always hold the people I care for and know in it. While my life can be removed from someone else's, my heart will never be.
And so here i am. I am facing this barrel of the unknown. Because I know I don't want to let you go, but I have to. I don't want you to live thinking you owe me anything anymore. I don't want my life to be a burden in your thoughts. And so this is goodbye. I love you. I'll always miss you. But now we must part ways.