What does it mean to pretend? [July 24, 2011]

I was just lying in my bed, thinking firstly that I should be sleeping since I have uni early tomorrow haha. But then secondly, thinking about what it means to pretend. How exactly does it differ from lying, or being fake? Is it possible to pretend without losing sincerity, or coming across as unreal? I think people who pretend are usually hiding behind their fear of being discovered - whether it's their flaws, or their good points that they're trying to hide. For whatever reason, pretending seems different to being fake - being fake almost implies you know who you are but you're content with others seeing a surface-value side to you, whereas pretending seems like you hate who you are and you're trying desperately to show others that you're exactly the opposite to that.

I looked up the definition of fake. As an adjective, it's described as 'having a false or misleading appearance; fraudulent'. And as a verb it's recognised as 'to contrive and present as genuine; counterfeit or to simulate; feign'. I then looked up pretend, and it was described as 'to give a false appearance of; feign' as well, but also as 'to make believe'. It kinda makes me wonder at the significance of the two words, and how they can both be so similar, yet so different.

What stops you from being a fake person if you pretend to be other than what you are? If your imagination stretches to the point that you make believe you're someone else, do you become someone else, or are you just a misled version of yourself? If being fake also means to present as genuine, isn't that essentially feigning an appearance foreign to your own?

My head spins a little when I think about it, because I wonder - is it possible to unknowingly pretend to be somebody else? To adopt qualities that you think others desire of you, but do so without meaning to? I presume it is, otherwise there'd be no such thing as peer pressure. Even when looking at the Johari window [I've popped it below in case you haven't heard of it!] I sometimes wonder at its accuracy, how things remain hidden about yourself to yourself, but where others see it in you. Isn't that just pretending in it's strongest form? I don't know. But I do like how we are something of a mystery to ourselves, whether by choice or chance. If we are to pretend, maybe it can be for a good purpose, rather than to disguise ourselves in the hopes others will love the disguise, rather than the real us underneath. And if we are to be fake, maybe it could be to comfort rather than patronise, or to act in a play rather than act in real life.

I remember. [June 5, 2011]

I wake up some days, and in this haze, I remember.

I remember times gone by, love, laughter, joy, times that felt right.

I wonder, how can it be? Seems like just yesterday we felt unequivocally alive.

I look back, it all appears strange now. A foreign concept - lived, yet unidentified.

I cry, for all the memories that are gone - erased, forgotten, lost.

I never thought for once that they could die.

I let this feeling sink in for awhile - past is past, it won't come back.

I step forward, it becomes alien once again.

I find memories are comfortable - it is easier to live in; gentle, known, safe.

I lose myself, escaping the reality.

I am at a stand still - unsure where to go, terrified I might know.

I begin to wander; aimless, simply moving to keep from disappearing.

I reach out - to hold on, to touch, to see.

I learn, I understand, I breathe.

I find a purpose - it is there, it always has been, I had to find it.

I embrace the future, what it holds, who is there, what we'll share.

I think, "Yes, here is where I'll be."

I remember, life, this is where it will take me.

Religion makes me rant. [May 20, 2011]

I was just browsing through IMDB and wikipedia [as i do frequently when avoiding uni work.. shame jayne, shame] and i was reading some interesting facts about some different actors. And i was reading something about one of the glee actresses, and it said she was a 'liberal christian' and she supported gay rights - then, as a retaliation for her beliefs, these douschebag radical christians decide she can't speak at their gathering or whatever and proceed to shun her. I mean, c'mon, what a load of bull! I'm no perfect Christian, nor a perfect person by any means, but I least I have respect for people and what they believe. I don't force what I think down people's throats, and I don't kick them out of my life JUST because they have a different worldview to me. ARGH!

It just gives me such rage, because there's already so much hate and pain and judgement in the world. I just think, as cheesy as it is, 'try a little tenderness'. Maybe if we were all just a little more accepting, a little more loving, then just maybe some of the god-awful crimes that have been happening lately might die down just the tiniest bit. Maybe then, pain wouldn't be the only option for so many, and suicide and murder and bullemia and anorexia and depression wouldn't seem so appealing to so many people. If only people KNEW just how much others cared about them - and if only people KNEW just how much their words cut deep.

My biggest hate in life is being hypocritical. It's something that I know everyone deals with at some stage - nobody's exempt from it, even the most lovely of people. I just wish that more people were aware of it when they do it. I'm constantly trying NOT to be that way, not to think of myself as higher than anyone else, because I know just how low I feel when I come across people who do treat you as though you are way beneath them in every possible way. [and my biggest BIGGEST apologies if I have EVER made you feel that way - the idea of it just guts me to the core]

Anyway, I'm gonna end with this really good little quote I discovered in this book I'm reading at the moment [called Splashes of Joy in the Cesspolls of Life by Barbara Johnson, in case you're interested - very uplifting read]. It goes like this:

We choose how we shall live;

courageously or in cowardice,

honourably or dishonourably,

with purpose or in drift.

We decide what is important

and what is trivial in life.

We decide that what makes us significant

is either what we do or refuse to do...

WE DECIDE.

WE CHOOSE.

And as we decide and as we choose,

so our lives are formed...

Cool hey?

The other little one which kinda goes with what I'm saying and makes me smile :) is this:

The rain falls on the just and also on the unjust, but cheifly on the just, because the unjust steals the just's umbrella.

Musings. [February 13, 2011]

I often wonder if it's the fear of the unknown that stops us from trying, or something else entirely, like the knowledge that if we actually tried we could be so much more than what we are, and that stupifies us to the point of never moving forward. I take stock of my own life and when I see opportunities that I missed, I wonder how many of them I deliberately chose to avoid because I was afraid of my own ability to do well. I wonder if we skip chances because we can't cope with the idea that we were born with a greatness which shouldn't be contained. I'm not saying that we're all superstars and we just won't admit it to ourselves, I'm just asking - are we living up to our own potential? Are we as amazing as we could be? Can we do more, be more, love more, LIVE more? Are we trapped by our own shortcomings, unable to see just how far we could go? I was struck by this realisation that I alone could do something marvellous, even if it was just for one person, one time, and maybe that by doing so, I could affect someone's life in an amazingly positive way. Maybe THAT could be my opportunity for greatness. I don't think I'll know if I don't try. How can anyone know if they don't? Let us LIVE and be who we were meant to be. I don't want to be afraid anymore, and I don't want to hold back.

Just a little meandering for the soul. [October 12, 2010]

I think sometimes while we enjoy escaping who we are, or just escaping from reality for awhile, it isn't all that healthy. I mean, I find myself occasionally so lost within my own little fantasy world that I actually get upset when it ends and I have to return to reality. I'm realizing now that that's bordering on unhealthy, so I figure it might be wise to put a stop to it. But on the other hand, I know I'm afraid to let it go because sometimes pain is just too great, and emptiness just too overwhelming. So who knows what the right course of action is, or if there is such thing as a healthy balance of both? I'm not entirely sure, for either way seems pretty damning.

To find ourselves? Or define ourselves? [October 3, 2010]

In a world of so many questions and uncertainties, I can't help but wonder how we are ever supposed to 'find' ourselves. Or if I really mean to say, 'define' ourselves.. It is such a pressure in this day and age to slap a label on who you are and what you stand for and what you believe in. Often I find myself so caught up in trying to work out who I am, i forget to LIVE. I analyse every component of the very structure of my being and soul, and at times I am overwhelmed by the sheer velocity of things I have yet to work out and understand. I guess the question I want to throw out to the void is - why can't we just live? Maybe then it will all fall into place, and questions that bombard us constantly will all be answered in their own time. I don't feel I have the energy or the want to continue living like this - with thoughts screaming in my head that I should know who and what I am. I feel perfectly content to just live and let live, and allow fragments of my persona to be understood on a day-to-day basis. Is that so wrong? Am I wrong in wanting that not just for myself, but for everyone else out there in this great wide world?

Time. [May 8, 2010]

I know that someday I will be forgotten.
After the turning of the tide, after the passing of time brings me into old age (if I am spared that long) then the memory of me will be forgotten.
Life truly is a breath, slowly exhaled, sifted into the vastness of time.
I watch it amble by, occasionally appearing as if it is dragging its feet, but then other times as if I am only feeling the empty space where its presence has lingered but for a moment.
I will not mourn the moving of time.
I understand that memories, like feelings, sometimes family, and oftentimes friends, fade.
There never has been someone like me, nor will there be anyone else like me after I am gone.
This has been the fate of billions, millions, trillions of souls to set foot on this earth since creation.
We will never know who they all were, just as those who come after us will never know who we are.
This is life.
I do not attempt to explain it, or reason, or justify why.
I am fading, even now, into the background of memories once treasured.
One day I will be only a name, inscripted on a gravestone.
At least, I will be that to them that remain.

Never gone. [February 15, 2010]

Sometimes I am afraid. I am afraid that I will be lost among a sea of faces. That despite everything that I try to be, it still won’t make a difference to anybody. And because of this fear, sometimes I close my eyes and pretend I am somebody else. This somebody I hope will be heard in a world where crying out for help sounds considerably more like a hushed whisper. I hope that she will succeed where I haven’t; where I have tried but failed; where efforts have gone to waste. In some ways I depend upon her – this figment of myself – because she is the only thing pushing me to go on. If I lose her – I lose the part of me that fights; the part of me that hopes, dreams and believes. Even if I am disillusioned, and my fear is in fact warranted, at least I have my imagination. At least a part of me can never die, can never be crushed; can never be forgotten.

Oceans and waves, this is a dreary place. [January 8, 2010]

I am like a lost ship. i used to dream of finding the perfect life for myself, searching the horizon for promises of a better future. but somehow i have discarded my compass.. and its absence has me off course.
i find myself being drawn to the vastness of the sea, being tumulted around by the fierceness of the waves and sins of another life. instead of seeking that horizon, and turning my eyes to the wonder of the sky, i stare transfixed at the darkness of the waves, peering into the depths with almost an eager yearning for the unknown.
it is foolish to wander so far into the sea, this i know. even as i wade in the murky waters i wonder how i will ever find my way out. when one day i wake to find i am slowly drowning in these choices i have made, i can't help but fear my feeble attempts to grasp at the oxygen of fresh air and change will be in vain.
what if i can't make it? what if i'm too late, and my ship sinks into the depths, helpess at the hands of the powerful waves? what if this dabbling is more than just that.. what if it is drawing me in, only to suck at my ankles and then slowly envelope me in darkness, to the bleakness of the ocean floor?
fear is coming. i feel it creeping up my spine. hold on, i want to whisper to myself. you will find the compass again, and it won't be too late. but even i cannot know this for sure.

We must part ways. [June 24, 2009]

There are times in your life when you are scared to follow the unknown. It seems to you that the unknown is a bit like staring down the barrel of a gun - dark, sinister, and terrifying; if not a little cold. And what's worse is that you can't see through to the other side - you can't see whether you'll be okay once you make the decision to take a different path; leaving behind the places and the people you know for something foreign.
I have come to realise that there's someone I've been holding onto for a very long time. Someone I kept hoping would change their direction to come back my way. But finally I know that I can be okay if I leave them be. It still scares me because I have no idea how they will be without me - but then again, it has been ages since they have depended on me anyway, so I'm pretty sure I'm not needed in their life.
But that's okay. Every friendship must run its course. Some will outlast others until the end of time, but others draw to a close much sooner than we think and often that is really what we don't want.
But even so, who am I to force what i want on someone else? I cannot imagine something more selfish, and when I look at everything, the whole situation, who I am and who they are, I KNOW that that is not what I want to do or who I want to be. I want the memory of me to be one of a good friend - someone who was there in good times and bad - someone who loved unconditionally (at least most of the time) - someone who took nothing for granted.
I am not looking for remorse or a pity friendship. My heart is huge and it will always hold the people I care for and know in it. While my life can be removed from someone else's, my heart will never be.
And so here i am. I am facing this barrel of the unknown. Because I know I don't want to let you go, but I have to. I don't want you to live thinking you owe me anything anymore. I don't want my life to be a burden in your thoughts. And so this is goodbye. I love you. I'll always miss you. But now we must part ways.